Children Aren’t Affected If They Don’t See the Abuse

There is a common belief that if children don’t actually see domestic abuse happening, they are somehow protected from it.

But children don’t have to witness domestic abuse to experience its effects.

Domestic abuse isn’t just about individual incidents that happen behind a closed door. It creates an environment of fear, control and unpredictability that children are living in too.

Children notice far more than we sometimes realise. They notice changes in tone of voice and atmosphere. They notice when Mum becomes quiet or changes what she says. They learn when it’s better not to ask for something, when to stay out of the way and when the mood in the house has changed.

Some children become very good at watching the person causing the abuse. They learn to read moods and recognise the signs that something might happen. They may change their own behaviour, try to keep younger siblings quiet or attempt to keep the peace.

They may not understand that what they are experiencing is domestic abuse, but they know that something isn’t right.

Domestic abuse isn’t just physical.

We also need to move away from the idea that children are only affected by physical violence.

A child may live in a home where their mother is constantly criticised, controlled or intimidated. They may see her access to money restricted, hear her being questioned about where she has been, notice that she no longer sees certain friends or family members, or understand that there are things she isn’t “allowed” to do.

There may be no single incident for the child to witness.

But they are still living with domestic abuse.

Children can be drawn into the control.

Sometimes perpetrators deliberately involve children in their abuse.

They may ask children where their mum has been or who she has spoken to. They may use them to pass messages, encourage them to keep secrets or undermine their mum’s parenting.

This can put children in an incredibly difficult position. They may feel caught between parents or believe they are responsible for keeping everyone happy.

Children should never have to manage an adult’s behaviour or feel responsible for keeping the peace at home.

Where the responsibility lies.

When we talk about the impact of domestic abuse on children, there is something we need to be absolutely clear about.

The responsibility lies with the person choosing to abuse.

Women experiencing domestic abuse are often doing everything they can to protect their children while also trying to manage someone else’s controlling and abusive behaviour.

We should never use conversations about the impact on children to place further responsibility or blame on the parent experiencing abuse.

The person creating the fear, intimidation and control within the home is responsible for the harm that environment causes.

Children don’t all respond in the same way.

There isn’t one particular way a child affected by domestic abuse will behave.

Some children may become anxious or withdrawn. Others may become angry, struggle with concentration or have difficulties at school. Some may become very protective of their mum or siblings.

Others may appear completely fine.

That’s why saying “they seem fine” doesn’t necessarily tell us what a child has experienced.

Rather than simply asking whether a child saw an incident, we need to look at the bigger picture.

What was it like for that child to live in the home?

What did they hear?

What did they notice?

Did they feel safe?

What should home feel like?

Children don’t need a home where adults never disagree. Disagreements are a normal part of relationships.

What children need is a home where disagreement doesn’t come with fear, intimidation or control.

They should be able to ask for something without first checking someone’s mood. They shouldn’t have to know when to disappear upstairs, keep a younger sibling quiet or work out what they can safely say.

Children should be able to be children, not become experts at managing the adults around them.

They may never have seen the abuse.

But that doesn’t mean they weren’t living with it.